a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
