The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
