its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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