the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
