Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
