i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
