Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
