well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
