She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
