there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
