hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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