if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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