yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
ttyl tear gas
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
