i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
