I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
