I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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