Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
