I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
