I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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