just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
