mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
