I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
