How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
