Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
