the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
