As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
