She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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