things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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