I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
