Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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