I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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