She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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