Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
