I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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