Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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