her vagina looked like bernie madoff
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
