Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
