Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
