Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
