I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
