those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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