I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
