im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Randomize
