Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
