There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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