I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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