I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
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