i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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