did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
