i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Randomize
